The Big Secret

‎3rd grader: So, Ms. O, we are ready for the secret. We will behave all day, watch our mouths AND keep our hands to ourselves, if you tell us what the "O" stands for. If it's embarassing, we promise not to laugh.

Me: I appreciate that guys, but it's not embarassing and it's not a secret. It's been on the front of my door all school year.

3rd Grader: WHAT!?!?!? Let me see... yeah, I can't pronounce that.

Boundaries??

5th Grader: Why we can't be friends on Facebook, Ms. O? The whole "Boundaries" thing?
Me: Yes. We've been through this many times already.
5th Grader: So you gonna "Not Now" me before I even "Request" you? You not even gonna think about "Confirming" me?
Me: That's a whole lot of Facebook talk. And no, I won't even think about "Confirming" you.

Professor O

3^rd Grade Girl: Could I get some markers, Professor O? ( I hand her some markers)

3^rd Grade Boy: Why you calling her “Professor” for?

3rd Grade Girl: ‘Cause I like Professor better than Ms. And there’s Prof. X, so why she can’t be Prof. O?

3^rd Grade Boy: Cause we ain't mutants, that's why.

3^rd Girl: Well, let’s ask her and she can decide. Which do you like better, Prof. O or Ms. O?

Me: Definitely Prof. O.

 3^rd Grade Boy: Yo, you calling us mutants Ms. O?

Young Love

3rd Grader: Ms. O, if I think a girl is pretty, does that mean I love her?
Me: No, not really.
3rd Grader: Can I love someone that I don't think is pretty?
Me: Sure you can.
3rd: Why is love so confusing, Ms. O? I bet someone thinks your pretty AND loves you, that would make it really easy.

("Really easy"... I think not)

Misunderstanding...

3rd Grader: Ms. O, remember how you told me to try and ignore people that bother me?
Me: Yes.
3rd Grader: I tried that on my mom and she got angry. I told her it was your idea.
Me: Let's review my advice but let me call your mom first.

Ms. O's Quotes of the Week

4- I don't know if Osama Bin Laden is going to heaven. And no, I'm not the one who decides.

3- I'm not sure why I have "such a small office with no windows".

2- Writing short answers and essays for the state wide exam is NOT like texting, you MUST spell out all the words. 

1- If a question on the state wide exam is too hard, "SMH" is not an appropriate answer.

How Rumors Start

5th Grader #1: I heard they killed Osama Bin Laden.

5th Grader #2: You know, he's President Obama's cousin?

5th Grader #1: No, Saddam Hussein is Obama's cousin.

5th Grader #2: The one who flew the plane on Sept 11th?

5th Grader #1: Yup, the one who flew plane on 9/11 is President Obama's cousin. Right, Ms. O?

Me: Can we get a current events class started, please?

Excersing... In school?

Me: Why are you running down the hall to my office?
2nd Grader: So I could get excerise.
Me: Don't I tell you everyday not to run in school?
2nd Grader: Yes, but you also tell me I should excerise every day. Maybe you should be more clear.

Eyes

4th Grader: How come I cannot see your eyes, Ms. O?
Me: I don't know... They are where they're supposed to be.
4th Grader: No your other ones. The ones in the back of your head. My mom says she has them too.
Me: Can you see hers?
4th Grader: Not really, but she's like you and ALWAYS knows when I'm doing something bad. You tell me to stop before I even start.

Planned Parenthood

Me: What would you like to be when you grow up?
Kindergartner: A chef. So I can feed all the kids.
Me: Which kids?
Kindergartner: All the kids I'm gonna have when I'm a grown up and have a grown up girlfriend that I love.

... Now that's what I call Family Planning.

Dramatic 101

Kindergartner: I'm thirsty.
Me: We'll take a break in 20 minutes.
Kindergartner: 20 MINUTES! ALL LIVING THINGS NEED WATER. AND I... NEED... WATER! I'M DYING!
Me: You'll survive another 20 minutes.
Kindergartner: I'm...falling... apart. I'm dying. I...need...water. (Slumps over desk.)


(End Scene)

Multiple Choices

Me: What are some helpful techniques when you are stuck on a multiple choice question ?
7th Grader: I don't know.
Me: Think about what you have done in the past.
7th Grader: I know what you want me to say; process of elimination, cross out answers that don't make any sense, etc. but I gotta be real with you Ms. O and tell you that "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe" usually works fine too.

April 1st, 2011

4th Grader: It really all sank in, Ms. O. All those talks about controlling my body, my hands, my mouth. I'm gonna do it, I'm really gonna change.
Me: I'm so proud of you.
4th Grader: APRIL FOOLS!

...not funny.

Falling Off The World

1st Grader: How come people on the bottom of the world don't fall off?
Me: (I go on to explain gravity and draw a diagram to help explain it all)
1st Grader: Wow, what did the world do without you Ms. O? Like before you were born? I bet people didn't know much before you taught them everything.

#toughlove

1st Grader: You knew I had it wrong? You knew I made mistakes?
Me: Yes.
1st Grader: And you didn't correct me, Ms. O? That's not nice.
Me: We all make mistakes. Sometimes we learn more from our own mistakes than we do if someone tried to warn us or teach us.
1st Grader: Ummm, yeah, that's just REALLY mean Ms. O.

...here's to #toughlove.

To Jinx, or Not To Jinx

Me: You've been working hard and I want to acknowledge that you haven't had a fight all week.
6th Grader: Why you gotta go and jinx it for Ms. O?!? Now, I'm definitely going to get into a fight... probably today.
Me: Hmm...
6th Grader: And when they ask me why I fought I'm gonna say it's because Ms.O jinxed me.

Too Many Mans

1st Grader: Iron...MAN, Spider...MAN, Super...MAN, Bat... MAN. Hey Ms. O, why are they all mans?
Me: I'm not sure why they are all MEN. There are some superheroes out there that are women too.
1st Grader: I'm going to create my own and call her... Mommy Man.

A Painful Price

(Scene: 1st Grader slamming his front teeth into an apple, then wincing in pain...)
Me: Please stop doing that. It looks like it hurts.
1st Grader: Ooooo, it hurts so bad. But I need it to come out.... NOW!
Me: It will come out by itself.

1st Grader: That is not soon enough. By the time it comes out, the robot won't be on sale anymore! I need the Tooth Fairy to visit me... tonight.

A World of 1

7th Grader: I'm so sick and tired of human beings!
Me: (Thought: You and me both... You and me both.)
7th Grader: I want to live in a world of just me, me alone! Well, maybe just for a day because without other people around to bother me, what would I talk about with you, Ms. O?

PTC

If Rihanna comes blasting out of 1 more cell phone, and they pick it up... I just might have to remind them that this IS Parent Teacher Conferences.

Happy Valentime's Day Ms. O

Me: It's ValentiNe's Day. With an "N" not an "M".
... I said that about100x today.

That's some bull...

4th Grader: I don't like my brother. I'm a Taurus, so I NEVER will.
Me: What does being a Taurus have to do with it?
4th Grader: Tauruses are bulls... Bulls don't like red... My brother loves to wear red, soooo.... I charge at him. Just like a bull is supposed to. It's really all his fault.

I enjoy childhood logic.

Death of the English Language

4th Grader: Titanic was a dumb sad movie, Ms. O.
Me: It was a VERY sad movie, yes.
4th Grader: It was mad wack when the ship broke in half.
Me: It was TERRIBLE.
4th Grader: People be flyin' everywhere fallin in the water.
Me: People WERE flying everywhere.
4th Grader: Yo, Ms. O, you be correcting our English all day, everyday.

Sigh... clearly, I am not correcting it enough.

When Jokes Aren't Funny

3rd Grader: Ms. O, you want to hear a joke?
Me: Sure.
3rd Grader: What can't you play basketball with Mexicans?
Me: I changed my mind, I don't want to hear it.
3rd Grader: Let me finish, Ms. O!
Me: I don't want to hear an offensive joke.
3 Grader: But, you're not Mexican...(Look of horror) Oh no... you ARE Mexican, aren't you, Ms. O?

TIRS #2 (Things I Regularly Say)

If only I could go ONE day without saying to my students:
" Pull your pants up, and keep them up."
"Pick up ALL your sunflower seed shells off the floor. Yes, now."
"Don't open that with your teeth."
"Remember, I have your Grandmother on speed dial."

C'mon Snow...

School Psychologist: Is it supposed to snow tonight?
Me: Yeah, I think so.
SP: Spoon under your pillow and pajamas inside out!!!!!!
Me: What?
SP: That's how we got the last snow day.
Me: You've tried this before?
SP: Yup, pullin' out the big guns. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

TGIF- not Monday

1st Grader: Today is Monday right?
Me: No, it's Friday.
1st Grader: But yesterday there was no school.
Me: It was a snow day, a special day.
1st Grader: Well, I want to come to school tomorrow! Will you come with me, Ms. O?
Me: (Silence......)

Ms. O vs. Grand Theft Auto

5th Grader: Ms. O, I heard you're gonna do that thing they do in Grand Theft Auto.
Me: Excuse me?
5th Grader: Not stealin' cars! But ya' know, that race... Where you gotta do all kinda things...
Me: A triathlon? Yes, I am...
5th Grader: Just like at the end of Grand Theft Auto San Andreas you gotta do a lot of things. All I'm gonna say is: I hope you can swim.

Facebookin'

1st Grader: Have you ever heard of Facebook, Ms. O?
Me: Yes.
1st Grader: Really? How did YOU hear about Facebook?
Me: Ah, how did YOU hear about Facebook?

What's in an age...

2nd Grader: Were you born in 2007?
Me: No.
2nd Grader: What about 2003, like me?
Me: No, I was born a long time before you.
2nd Grader: Hmmm... a long time ago. Like, 2000 and 1?
Me: No, Like 1983.
2nd Grader: WHAT?!? That's like 100 years ago! You only look 16.

Something Fishy

Kindergartner: I ate a fish Ms. O... It was alive.
Me: Is it swimming in your tummy now?
Kindergartner: No. It's swimming to my brain.
Me: Why is it going to your brain?
Kindergartner: So it can teach me bad words. Bad words are good.

... Then I try to convince him that bad words are bad, and good words are good. He was not interested.

Trippin'

Me: The nail polish has to be put away.
7th Grade Boy: You MUST be trippin'!
Me: I'm not tripping and the nail polish has to go.
7th Grade Boy: It's Friday and my nails need to be on point!
Me: That's not my concern. Put it away.
7th Grade Boy: So far the only thing I like about you is yo' clothes!

...Uhh, okay.

TIRS (Things I Regularly Say)

Things I regularly say during my work day:
1- "Stop trying to wipe your nose on my sweater."
2- "Try saying that again, this time minus the attitude."
3- "Let me teach you about something called Personal Space."
4- "Yes, I'm sure I am not Hispanic. Nope... not even a little bit."

Uggs? Ugh...

Custodian: When you break school property you have to help pay for it.
8th Grade Boy: Like how much?
Custodian: Like $100.
Peanut Gallery of 8th Grade Boys: Damn Son! No Uggs for you!

... Is that what 8th Grade Boys in East Harlem really want, Uggs? Ugh

Trouble With Farts

Me: Why did you get in trouble today?
1st Grade Boy: I threw a fart.
Me (puzzled): You "threw" it?
1st Grade Boy: Yeah, with my mouth. But Andrew did it first.


...How could I not laugh??